My Intro and Struggle

22 February 2024

     Well where do I even begin as I start my journey through my first blog. Well I guess I will tell you a little about myself first. I am a retired veteran (US Air Force) and 45 years young. Next I must say please excuse any grammar errors such as comma placements and so forth as I am just writing what is on my mind as I deal with my struggles to find my own happiness. Like most members in the military past and present, PTSD is something that we deal with and often hide. This is no different for me and what has led me to do this blog as I need a means to release the stress I am going through at the current moment. 

     Now 2 years after retirement from the military everyday is a struggle on the inside but the outside is pure happiness. Who am I really kidding,  I am dying inside slowly and have not found my true happiness. Yes I do have a beautiful spouse and 3 lovely children who bring me joy but all they see each and everyday is what I show on the outside. My spouse knows my PTSD hardships I have been dealing with and makes sure I take my medication to help subside any ill feelings but this only does so much. I don't know why I go through these ups and down but have been seeing them more and more as I entered the corporate world. Currently as I am travel for work I sit in this tiny hotel room and all I can do is think of the bad rather than the good. Am I just a broken person who never is going to really be functional? I don't know but it does feel this way.

      I don't know about you but have you ever succeeded at something only for something else to come up and bring you down? This is what I feel right now as I can never catch a break it feels like.  Everyone at work and even my extended family believe I am happy where I am but honestly I am not. I do what I do to just make a living but at the end of the day just getting up to go to work and put on a show is exhausting. First off nobody cares about my struggles nor is there anyone in my department who knows what I have been through in my previous career. At the end of the day all that matters is producing results and acting like a robot. Well I am not a robot and am a human being. Why is it that I feel nobody cares even as I try to share my story. Am I the only one going through this right now? I have no clue but I can say it is hurting me each day. 

     I know this first post is all over the place but I am tearing up as I think what to write and can't stop. Honestly I just want to post what I am feeling as I feel lost, hurt, lonely, scared and so much more. I am safe and not going to hurt myself if that is what you are thinking but rather I just lost a sense of belonging which has shattered my world. Feeling down and depressed has not helped me mentally nor physically as I am always on edge as well as struggle with weight gains and drops. Overall today I am just sad missing my family and my home which are my safe zones where I honestly never want to leave. Yes I know this is still not the best thing to do but dealing with my PTSD issues I have a fear of being in public and even interacting with people. Does this mean I am a hermit never leaving my home. Not at all as I do go out but like any prior military person I am always looking ahead scoping different situations as well as routes to safety. As you can see I am just really on the edge. 

     Well like I said this first post was going to be all over the place but overall today my goal was just to do a quick intro and show people who may read this what I am going through at the current moment. I don't know when my happiness will come but do know I have to keep going and be persistent as it will pay off later on. If anyone is dealing with issues such as mine I have at least went ahead and provided resources on the services page to reach out. If leaving a comment is your thing then please do so as this will help not only you through your struggles but as well as me knowing I am not alone in this fight. Finally, if you made it this far I just want to say thank you for hearing or rather reading what I am currently going through tonight.